UC vs. NC State Preview

I literally know nothing about this UC team. They've beat up on St. Rita's School for the Blind and Little Sisters of the Poor, but then played a real team and got beat like they stole something. No score from this game tonight would surprise me. NC State took it to our Cats last year, so maybe a little bit of payback is on their mind. Who knows. What I do know is that NC State has some thing called the Krispy Kreme Challenge every year in which you have to run 2 miles to a KK, house a dozen hot and glazed donuts, then run another 2 miles back to the starting point. All of this must be done in under an hour. Sounds fucking miserable. I'd rather spend my 60 minutes playing Power Hour taking a shot of beer every minute, but I guess that's what they consider fun down in Raleigh.

On a side note, all of this conference expansion noise is totally turning me off on college football right now. I can't help but think that UC is about to be the fat kid at recess who doesn't get picked when choosing sides for 2 hand touch football. I have this terrible feeling that UC is going to be sitting next to the other fat kid (South Florida), and the cool kids are going to pick USF and force UC to go play fucking tetherball with the band geeks and chess club. UC is about to become the NCAA equivalent of the world's tallest midget, and that is not what they call a good look.

Anyway, the 'Nip wll be rocking at 8:00 P.M. tonight on the World Wide leader and UC is giving 7.5 to the 'Pack. Butch Jones hasn't beaten an out of conference BCS school since he's been the head man in Clifton, so 7.5 is a little too much for me to lay:

The Pick: NC State +7.5 (Season ATS 2-1)

Troy Davis. Dead.

About time if you ask me.

Chick From Glee Gets Her Implants Taken Out

AOL NEWS- Glee' star Heather Morris, who plays the often underestimated dumb blond Brittany on the hit musical show, has admitted she went under the knife for breast augmentation surgery in the October issue of Fitness magazine.

Unlike her 'Glee' co-star Lea Michele, who rejected industry agents' demands that she get a nose job if she wanted to make it in showbiz, Morris did make the decision to have cosmetic surgery of her own. But, just as quickly as she got them, the dancer and actress revealed she discovered what a real pain her implants were, and got the falsies taken out!

Can't believe the udder dissapointment I have with this chick Heather Morris. You were all set. Ready to take your big hooters and acting career to the next level, and you go and get your tits taken out? Is that even legal? Like I'm pretty sure if God weren't pissed at you already for getting falsies, he would for sure be pissed at your for getting them taken out. You think any chick wants to be a part of the IBTC? For sure not. Get over yourself already. Better hope Glee stays on forever because there is absolutely zero chance you and your concave titties are getting nominated for an Academy Award any time soon.

Economics 101

Three-time Pro Bowl cornerback Chris McAlister(notes) has only been out of the game for a year, and already, he's telling the court system that he's broke.

McAlister is locked up in a child support battle with his ex-wife Marlene, and is trying to get his child support payments lowered. He currently owes her $11,000 per month. In documents filed to the court, claims he can't pay her because he doesn't have any money. From TMZ:

In the docs, Chris -- a 1st round NFL draft pick in 1999 who played in the league for 10 years -- states, "I have been unemployed since 2009. I have no income."

He adds, "I live in my parent's home. My parents provide me with my basic living expenses as I do not have the funds to do so."


Well looks like RBG's boy Barry O could use some advise from ole Toby in regards on how to fix this shit bomb we call the American Economy. You see the problem is most reasonably well educated adults tighten their wallets faster than a New York Jew when recessionary times present themselves. However, there is a sect of the American population that regardless of economic conditions will make money rain like hurricane Katrina on Jew Orleans. This of course is the sporting men of the NFL, and NBA. How many times have you heard of professional athletes making millions of dollars and just 5 or some odd years later they file for bankruptcy? Seems to me that instead of printing money and lending it to the banks, the government should lend it to Antoines "I only shoot fours" Walkers and Chis "I'm the black George Costanza" McAlisters. Talk about a stimulus plan, hell these two dumb fucks managed to earn $155 million combined and in less than a decade went tits up. Now Walker is trolling in the D league and shooting all the fours he wants with the Stampede out of the great state of Idaho. As for McAlister, he went from sippin purple juice at the finest strip clubs that Baltimore has to offer to living in his parent's basement. I'm sure he finds it tough to pay that $11,000 a month in child support when his only income comes from his parents in the form of allowance for taking out the trash and cleaning the dishes. I ask you Prez O, for your re-election hopes, give these people a billion each and we are headed for the fastest recovery since Toby's boy Reagan graced us with his presence. On second thought don't, four years has been plenty.

Hero Sticks up to Mugger, Gets Shot Twice in Arm

OVER-THE-RHINE – A man who was shot after he refused to give another person his beer Thursday night said he doesn’t regret standing up for himself.
“That would be a crime if I just let him  have the beer,” said Sean Owens, 29. “I doubt whether I would have given him the beer or not I would have left unscathed. I absolutely think I made the right decision.”
Police generally advise crime victims – particularly ones being robbed at gunpoint – to hand over whatever the suspect is demanding and not risk being hurt.
But Owens was walking home from work after picking up a few items at a grocery store about 7:15 p.m. Thursday when a man he did not know began following him.
The man trailed him into his apartment building in the 1200 block of Race Street and claimed to live there, too.
Once inside, the suspect demanded Owens’ plastic bag, which was holding a six-pack of beer.
“I refused to give him the beer,” Owens recalled. “I pulled out my phone to call the police. He made a play for the phone. There was a brief scuffle and then he decided to walk away and that’s when he pulled the gun. He shot me twice in the left forearm.”
The suspect took off without the beer.
Owens was treated and is expected to recover.
The incident hasn’t soured him on urban life. He said he loves Cincinnati and has lived downtown and in Over-the-Rhine for nearly 10 years.
“Random acts of violence such as this one can happen to anyone, anywhere, unfortunately,” Owens noted. “Considering all the progress that has been made in the city, I am certainly not going to let one unfortunate act sour me on the area of downtown and Over-the-Rhine and moving forward hopefully.”

I would love to tell you all that this is exactly how your boy would act in this situation, but as hard as this is to believe, the RBG would have given up his sixer of Heineken by the time this robber said "Give..." I'd have so much piss running down my leg the tenants downstairs would think my water heater exploded. And you know what? That is the exact play in this situation. I'd rather give up my six pack of beer than keep it and have two fucking holes in my forearm 764 times out of a hundred. Way to be a hero, bro and not give up your $6 worth of beer in exchange for $25,000 in medical bills. Run the math a little bit next time before you decide to be Billy Badass and stand up to the local gang bangers.

UK vs. UofL Preview

Let's put the game on back burner for a second and put all our attention on this fucking guy in a pink wife beater. Pretty sure wife beaters are only socially acceptable in 10th street Speedway. Not sure what this guy is trying to prove here. In no way, under any circumstance is a pink wife beater acceptable. You can't name me one setting where this shit can fly. Not one. Not even Holloween for fucks sake.

You know who the best player to ever play at Louisville was? Johnny Unitas, pretty fucking good. You know what his record was at Louisville? 12-19. That shit got him a statue in there new stadium. Dude won 39% of his games and got a fucking statue. That's something to celebrate.

Now, to the game *Bob Knight voice*. Both these teams came out shakier than Michael J. Fox in there first 2 games. The Dirty Birds lost to FIU (who have only had a football for 10 years) last Friday night at home. They will bring there 1-1 record into Commonwealth with hopes to snap a 4 game losing streak to our beloved Cats. Don't see it happening. The line has been floating anywhere from UK -5.5 to -7.5 all week. Currently it's at -6, I'll forrrr surrre take that.

Catsby's pick: UK -6 (Season record 1-2)

9/17 UK vs UofL 7pm on the ESPNU

I Need this Cell Phone NOW

It's one of the world's most expensive cell phones--and it can't even download your email.
Then again, you can't exactly expect an 18-carat gold mobile device to be cheap.
Designed by a the Copenhagen firm Aesir, the Æ+Y phone costs a whopping €42,000.00 (about $60,000), and doesn't even boast technological innovations like mobile Internet access or email. Instead its most advanced features include speed dial, a built-in calculator, and bluetooth connectivity.
However, the phone's designer claims to have intentionally excluded some more advanced features. From aesir.com:

In an age when the industry seems to think that phones aren’t for speaking anymore, I wanted to focus on the idea of voice, clarity and simplicity. The central tenet behind the Æ+Y is to literally craft the visual details, craft the functional tactility, and craft the user interface. The Æ+Y champions the idea of craftsmanship in an age that’s obsessed with more and making last year’s products obsolete. Instead we propose better and long-lasting as our starting criteria.

But there's little excuse for its dismal 5 hour battery time, writes Yahoo.com's Mike Wehner. The iPhone, by comparison, can get a whopping 11 hours, while the Motorola Droid averages about 14.
That's the price you pay for luxury.
The 18-carat gold model, which only 25 of will be sold, isn't the only version of the phone being sold. For lesser nobility there's also a stainless steel version that retails at $10,500. You can scroll down to see both versions for yourself.
However, this is far from the world's most expensive cell phone. That honor seems to go to the Goldstriker iPhone 3GS Supreme, which boasts a full body comprised of 22-carat gold, a 7.1 carat diamond for a home button, and costs roughly $3.2 million according to YourDigitalSpace.com.

God damnit, man this shit always happens to me. I go out and get a new phone like 2 weeks ago, and now all of a sudden it's already obsolete because some Copenhagen dickheads are making an 18-carat gold device. If you think that blinged out phone doesn't belong held up to the RBG"s ear then you're out of your fucking mind. You think I give a shit that this thing can't check my twitter feed? Who needs twitter when you're rolling around the bar like a boss sending out sexts like Goldmember dreams about from your $60,000 gold phone? Phone is legit, and unfortunately I just locked myself into a 2 year Verizon contract and won't ever have a chance to get one. 

UC vs. Akron Preview

So last week in Knoxville all the UT fans were making fun of us saying that our only celebrity was Nick Lachey, like that was some sort of an insult. You kidding, me bro? Nick Lachey is a fucking icon. That's not a put down, that's a compliment where I come from. So I was all set to rip on this one horse town of Akron for their only celebrity being Prince LeBrick James and he pretty much dropped his pants and took a big poop on the entire state of Ohio last summer, so he doesn't even count anyway. But then I was looking at their Wiki page and noticed that this piece of shit town produced the cowboy outlaw David Alen Coe. Bravo, Akro, bravo. I can't even hate on you right now. I will say though, that the Akron Zips football team is probably the worst Division 1-A team in the country so UC should roll early, rest the starters and get ready for a Thursday night game against NC State.

You know how in high school when you get so shitbombed on one type of alcohol that it almost ruins you from ever drinking that type of booze again? That's exactly how I feel about betting on the UC game this week after taking the money line last week. I don't know if I can even bet on them again. But the line is
-29.5, and I don't want to say it's a lock, but if UC doesn't cover 30 points against this team, then they might as well close up shop right now.

The Pick - UC -29.5 (Season record 1-1 ATS)

Game time is 3:30 at UC, on ESPN3.

Two Bros Reenact Weekend at Bernies with Friend

DENVER (CBS4) – Two men are facing charges in a crime that has family members shocked.

They are accused of putting their deceased friend into a car and then heading out for a night of bar hopping.

Jeffrey Jarrett died last month. The cause of Jarrett’s death is still being investigated.

Jarrett’s family is appalled by what happened. Two of his friends, Robert Young and Mark Rubinson, allegedly loaded his body into a car, hit a bar in Denver then another one in Aurora, before finally taking Jarrett, 43, home.

Rubinson, 25, and Young, 43, then ended their night at Shotgun Willie’s in Glendale, but without Jarrett. They then allegedly took $400 out of Jarrett’s account.

A member of Jarrett’s family, who didn’t want to be identified, said he was a loving father, graduate of Colorado State University and hockey player. She is devastated by the actions of Rubinson and Young.

“Taking a deceased person in a car, I mean, it just seems totally wrong,” said Jarrett’s family member.

Rubinson and Young face charges of abusing a corpse, identity theft and criminal impersonation. A relative said Young was living with Jarrett and came home on Aug. 27 to find him dead, but didn’t call for help.

This is exactly what I want my friends to do when I go down. Throw a Jimmy Buffet shirt and some dark Ray Bans on me and parade me around barhopping with you. I want to be propped up at my favorite watering hole for one last night on the town. Guarantee that's what these guys were doing for their friend, too. Guy probably was a huge Weekend at Bernies fan and was tring to swack Bernie's back to life game. I really hope these guys busted out a conga line with him, too. That's the ultimate sign of friendship right there. Because if there's one thing I know, it's that there is nothing more fun than one last night of bar hopping with your boys after you kick the bucket.

Female Airline Passenger Arrested for Sexual Assault...What?

Katherine Goldberg was flying from South Africa to London in August when she drunkenly assaulted a male crew member on the Virgin flight, a Northwest London court alleges.
The prosecutor in the case spells out the charges, the Telegraph reports:

She proceeded to sexually assault one of the crew members by demanding to have sex with him and grabbing his penis and crotch area. She was believed to have drunk at least 50 centiliters of whisky.

50 centiliters is more than 16 ounces, or a full pint of booze. She's been charged with sexual assault as well as being drunk on an aircraft.
While Goldberg's lawyer is working to secure a formal caution to avoid a full prosecution, he also indicated that a guilty plea may be forthcoming.

See this is exactly whath as happened to the airline industry. You want to know why you're losing billions of dollars, Delta? Probably because back in your hey day you used to provide certified smoke houses to get all of the businessmen tuned up on Woodford's Reserve. Nowadays, The only thing you can provide to us is extra charges for my bags, a 60 year old stewardess and a male flight attendant. No wonder no one wants to get on one of your flying death contraptions. Because the only reason that this male flight attendant didn't become the newest member of the Mile High Club (or whatever the metric equivalent is in Australia) is because he caught the gay. That's it. If this guy didn't have the gay, that drunken broad would have had a first class ticket to poundtown right in the lavatory like ya read about.

P.S. The only other excuse would be if this flight attendent is like me and scared to death of flying. Because there is no way that your boy would ever be able to get his Johnson to work whilst flying at 35,000 above solid ground. I've got about a thousand other things to worry about besides trying to get off while I'm on a plane. But obviously if this guy's a flight attendent he's not scared to fly.

Number One In The Game Right Now

Bengals Almost Definitely Maybe Headed for the Super Bowl

As the old saying goes, you can't win them all if you don't win the first one. I don't want to jump the gun and overexaggerate anything here, but the fact that the Bengals are about to start out 8-0 is almost definitely maybe going to happen. Look at this schedule that they have lined up:

@ Denver - please, this team blows, chalk up a W
San Francisco - Zimmer's defense is not losing to an Alex Smith led team
Buffalo - This is the only hard game I see out of the next 5; I knew letting Ryan Fitzpatrick get away in free agency would eventually come back to bite us in the ass
@Jacksonville - this team is a mess and if the Bengals can stop MJD, chalk it up as a win
Indianpolis - No Peyton Manning, 'nuff said
@Seattle - Any team who decides to start Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback should be relegated to the SEC
@Tennessee - Might be starting Jake Locker by this time, a guy who could barely complete 55% of his passes in college

Basically, I'm not saying that the Bengals are going to win the Super Bowl, but just like I said after the 3rd preseason game, book your tickets to Indiapolis the second week of February now.

Strike up the motherfucking band...

Start Your Week Off with Orange Man

So maybe our Bearcats didn't really perform too well on the field Saturday, but that didn't stop our group from just completely owning the town of Knoxville. Just dominated in all facets of the game Friday night in every key location that you can think of in Knoxville. Of course the highlight of the night though was The Party Barge donning the Orange Man suit and trying to win a free grill by getting 5 cars to honk at him. Also, this happened at like 6:30 Friday night.

Guy Takes Home Run Ball to the Dome

The absolute last thing that I want to do when I go to a baseball game is to watch the game. I'm there for the party. If I wanted to bored out of my mind watching something, I'd sit on my porch and watch the grass grow, not go to a stadium to watch two Latin guys play catch. So I can't blame this guy one bit for getting plunked in the head by a home run. Guy was probably worried about more important shit like checking his fantasy football lineup or something.

P.S. I honestly didn't even know baseball was still going on. I thought that once footbal started, baseball kind of just ended and whoever was in first place won the whole damn thing.

UK vs CMU Preview

I'll be perfectly honest I have no god damn idea what a Chippewa is. I even google imaged it like I do when I see a new smoke bomb on Egotastic, and couldn't even get a picture of what it looks like. Wikipedia came through though and I got a few interesting tid bits about them.

Notable Alumni:

Chris Kaman- Everybody's favorite 'awkward white guy whose better than you think' played for CMU and is a spokesperson for ADHD. Went on to be a 1st round, 6th overall pick by the Clippers in 2003.

Terry Nichols- Co conspirator of the Oklahoma City bombings was convicted of conspiracy to use weapons of mass distruction and 8 counts of involuntary manslaughter, sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. Maybe not the best example of notable alumni.

Jeff Daniels- Tony Award winner for Best Actor in his Broadway play God of Carnage, but lets be honest, nobody gives a shit about that. His best showing was as Harry Dunne in Dumb and Dumber. Still cracks my shit up every time I see it.

That's about all I know of the Chippewa's. Other than they beat South Carolina State Technical Community College A&M 21-6 last week. They do always play the Cats tough though. The line started at UK -14.5 and it's down to UK-10.5 This is a real statement game for Newton and the UK WR's as they look to rebound for an abysmal game against Western last week. I'll take the Cats at -10.5, and if you read the preview below for the UC game, I can't help but think that's a lock for the Bearcats.

Game time: 12pm from Lexington, KY on ESPNU

2011 Record: 0-1 (I'm taking UC and the point as well this week)

UC-Tennessee Preview

Your Cincinnati Bearcats will hit the road for the first time this season and try to beat an SEC team on the road for the first time since the Roosevelt Administration. And not  FDR, the first Roosevelt, Teddy. UC hasn't beaten a team from the SEC since beating UK in Nippert in 1996. And just like I was at the Nip to see that game, your boy the RBG will be destroying Knoxville this weekend cheering on the 'Cats.

Tall task at hand to go to Knoxville in front of 100,000+ drunken hillbillies and pull out a victory. Of course this isn't Peyton Manning's Tennessee team anymore, but there is still a lot of talent on that team. UT struggled a little bit to establish a running game last week against Montana, but their top receivers, Justin Hunter and Darick Rogers both went over 100 yards and Tyler Bray is a more than capable quarterback. UT did fumble the ball six times, and recovered every one of them, last week and had two interceptions that were nullified by interference penalties. If UC can get good games from Cam Cheatham, Dominique Battle, Drew Frey and the rest of the secondary this will be a good game. Montana racked up a ton of yards against the Vols' defense and I expect Zorro and the gang to do the same and to put some points on the board. Game will probably come down to turnovers, so if Collaros and Woods don't give the ball to the other team, UC could be in good position to win.

I'm not ready to say UC wins this game, but I will tell you that UC+4.5 is a stone cold lock. Give me the points, and just like last week I'll be at the bar doing celebratory car bombs after the game with my victory money.

Season Picks ATS - 1-0

Man Arrested for Posting Orgy Ad on Craigslist

HARTFORD, Conn. -- A Connecticut man has been sentenced to probation for posting a bogus ad about an orgy at the house of a neighbor with whom he had been feuding.

Court records show 44-year-old Philip Conran pleaded guilty to risk of injury to a child last week in Hartford Superior Court.

He has been sentenced to three years of probation and 200 hours of community service. He also has been ordered to pay for the West Hartford neighbor's house alarm system.

Police say Conran posted the Craigslist ad in April 2010 and that several strangers knocked on the neighbor's door. One man went to the wrong home, groped a teenage girl and was arrested.

Conran's attorney, Michael Georgetti, says his client regrets his actions

There's getting revenge on your neighbor, and then there's getting revenge on your neighbor by posting an ad on Craigslist for an orgy at your neighbor's house. Guy is like a criminal/revenge mastermind. I used to think my grandpa was the king of revenge against his neighbor. He used to start his lawnmower every night at 3 AM and just cut his side yard right next to his neighbor's bedroom window over and over all because his neighbor took his newspaper one time. (That's a true story. You can't pull that shit on WWII vets, they don't fuck around) I can't imagine what Conran's neighbor did in order to entice the Craigslist killer over to his house for a little bit of group sex. Had to be pretty damn brutal.

Is 65,000 Phone Calls in One Year to Your Ex-Boyfriend Too Many?

Chappelles Show
When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong - Brenda Johnson
www.comedycentral.com
Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs Black Comedy True Hollywood Story

AMSTERDAM (AP) — Dutch prosecutors are charging a 42-year-old woman with stalking after she allegedly called her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year.

The 62-year-old victim from The Hague filed a police complaint in August due to the persistent phone calls. Police arrested the suspected stalker Monday, seizing several cell phones and computers from her home in Rotterdam.

Hague prosecution spokeswoman Nicolette Stoel said Thursday the woman argued to judges at a preliminary hearing she had a relationship with the man and the number of calls she placed to him wasn't excessive. The man denied they had a relationship.

The court ordered her not to contact him again.

So I guess pretty much anything goes in Amsterdam...unless you make 65,000 phone calls to your paramour over the course of a year. This chick's full court press makes Toby's press look like he's playing a basic 2-3 zone in a rec league so he doesn't get tired. 65,000 times in one year is like 200 phone calls per day. I'm not saying that you shouldn't call someone 200 times in one day, but anything over like 3 phone calls is a bit excessive. Talking on the phone is the worst anyway. Is this chick in middle school or something, wanting to talk on the phone all night? Fire off a couple of sexts and she probably could have avoided this whole situation. If there's one thing I know, you try to call a guy on the phone 199 or 200 times a day, then you're lucky all you're getting is a restraining order and not a punch to the ovaries.

Old Lady Falls Down, Family Goes for Pizza

After her 70-year-old sister fell, police allege that a Madison woman and her son left her on the floor without aid. When she died two days later as a result of her injuries, the pair allegedly went out for pizza instead of alerting authorities.
Prosecutors filed a criminal complaint Tuesday against Veronica King, 71, of Madison, and her 45-year-old son Steven King of Evansville, for their involvement in the May 2009 death of Mary Coleman, who lay on her bedroom floor after a fall for two days until she died, the Wisconsin State Journal reports. Steven King told investigators that his injured aunt talked to them while she lay injured on the ground, but he "told her quite frankly to shut up."
The complaint alleges that for more than three months, Veronica and Steven King hid Coleman's body in the basement and garage of the house. When police finally found her remains, they were mummified, the Journal reports. Veronica King told police that the pair didn't call to report her death or have her body removed “because we had other things to do that day,” the complaint states.

This is exaclty why I want no part of growing old. Old people just make everything miserable and I'm not trying to be that guy that's throwing wrenches into my family's pizza parties and shit. You think I want to ruin my family's lives by making them cook me food, change my adult Depends, or pick me up after I fall out of my bed? Forget about it. Mary Coleman was being selfish as shit here. Get yourself a lifelock sweetheart and none of this shit would have happened. Can't hate on Veronica and Steven King here. Plenty of other shit like pizza parties to do that day, picking some old broad up off of her shag carpet was last on that To Do List.

P.S. Does everyone remember those old "I've fallen and can't get up" commercials? Things were like a 9.5 on the unintentional comedy scale.

Charter School Turned Adult Orgy Party Fest at Night

Miami, FL- By day, the Balere Language Academy is an A-rated charter school, home to children in kindergarten through middle school. But when the kids are tucked into bed, Balere apparently becomes a playground of a different kind. Party fliers, printed and on the Web, indicate that the campus at 10875 Quail Roost Dr. has been hosting raunchy, booze-soaked bashes into the wee hours. One flier for an upcoming party features a voluptuous, scantily clad woman posing with champagne bottles. Another shows a woman in a string bikini bending over suggestively and a man with flashy jewelry sitting on a stack of currency in front of a gold sports car. Parents at the school were the first to sound the alarm this week.

There no fucking chance you can look me in the eye and say if you got this invitation you wouldn't have RSVP'd yesterday. Literally looks like the best party going. It's the God damn Flossin' Edition for fucks sake, what are these parents bitchin about? Carib Flexx and Black Supreme spinnin' the tables? Sign me the fuck up. Not too mention that chick on there is thick as mud and I'd be dancing around that fucking party until I found her thick ass.

Can you imagine showing up to the first PTSA meeting of the year and there's naked ebony orgy parties going and shit? Mrs. Miller, whose been dry since the Great Depression, walks in and sees Scarlet getting stuffed on the principals desk and Deandre dumping champagn on her titties while T'ara is making it rain. There no chance this party isn't the best thing going on a Saturday night in Miami.

UC vs. Austin Peay Preview

How's that old saying go? You can't win 'em all unless you schedule quite possibly the worst team in the division below you to start the season? Pretty sure it's something like that. I'm not going to bore you with statistical breakdowns of the Governors, just know that they last won a game in September of last season and are a Division 1-AA team. UC will name the score or this game and Zach Collaros will start his run to the Heisman with 300 yards passing a couple of touchdowns and a rushing score. Having said that, here's some interesting things to watch Saturday nigth:

1. JUCO WR transfer Kenbrell Thompkins (who sat out last year after transferring from Tennessee after Lane Kiffin left) get integrated into the offense.
2. True freshman running back Jameel Poteat. Supposed to be a stud and is the heir apparent to Isiah Pead.
3. Muchie Legaux, backup QB and next year's starter should shred Austin Peay in the second half.

Anyway, the line is UC -43, I'm going to lay the points, watch Munchie kill the second half, and blow my winnings on celebratory car bombs at the bar after the game.

This Chick Needs to Get a Grip on the Real World

Ok sweetheart I guess that theme is all good and shit when your biggest problem in the world is your parents not letting you have a cookie before you go to bed. Last thing in the world I need is some 3 year old broad telling me not to give up and to keep trying. Bet she'll be singing a different tune in twenty years when her bosses are breathing down her neck, she's scraping quarters out of her couch cushions to put gas in the car, and her debit card gets declined every time she tries to make a simple purchase at Taco Bell. Listen up sweetheart, I'm about to fuck you up with some truth: The real world ain't all sippy cups and Dora the Explorer. The real world sucks. And if I want to give up and quit trying then I'm going to and your little piece of shit song has a zero percent chance of stopping me.

Throwback Thursday: Randy Moss Edition

In honor of the start of football season and the retirement of Randy Moss, here are four great videos that sum up his career. Moss signed to play at Notre Dame, but they denied his enrollment after his role in a race-related fight. Bobby Bowden then signed him to play for the Seminoles. He had to redshirt since he was ineligible due to the transfer, and was kicked out of FSU before playing a down for Marijuana possession. The rest is history, and if you haven't seen the last video yet you're in for a treat.

Man Busted for Turning AIDS Program into a Strip Club

A convicted drug dealer is being sued for allegedly erecting a strip club with funds that were supposed to help HIV and AIDS patients find work.
Cornell Jones, of Miracle Hands, allegedly used a quarter of a million dollars of the organization’s money to build The Stadium Club, a strip club in Northeast Washington, WUSA9.com reports. According to Washington, DC Attorney General Irv Nathan, Jones received the money back in 2006, which was slated to build a job training center for people with AIDS.
The current club owner, James Redding, said he bought the property from Jones 18 months and that Jones has not been involved in the strip club in any way, the news outlet reported.

I don't really see what the big deal here is. The video says that Cornell Jones was supposed to take the money and create a jobs program for people with the AIDS. I might be missing something here, but if I had to make a list, I'm pretty sure that opening a strip club would be at least a top 3 job creator for people who caught the AIDS. The Stadium Club is going to create jobs for people with the AIDS 93% of the time. Everytime I've been to the Brass Ass I make sure to wear one of those hospital mask things because I thought it was pretty much a given that every dancing broad in there was infected with it and I don't even want to breathe the same air as someone with the AIDS. Shit's contagious as hell.

P.S. If I had a nickel for every dollar that I donated to a convicted drug dealer to fight AIDS that actually went into a strip club, I'd own my own personal G5 by now.

UK vs. WKU Preview

It's been over 9 months since we've been able to say It's football season, and that time has finally arrived. Since then the Cats had a fantastic Final Four run, the Reds are who we thought they were, and Mike Brown still sucks. In other words, a pretty standard sports year. This season opens up with a number of questions. New defense coordinator Rick Minter is in charge of retooling a defense that historically ranks towards the bottom of the SEC in overall defense. Morgan Newton will begin his reign as the starting quarterback after a very subpar showing in the last years BBVA Compass Bowl, and who is going to step up and be the playmaker to fill Randall Cobbs shoes. I'm not a reporter or scout or any of that shit so I'm hoping tonights game will answer some questions, even if it is against the Hilltoppers.

Preview:

9:15 est on ESPNU; LP Field in Nashville, TN. Why they decided to play the first game of the season at 9:15 on a Thursday night at a neutral stadium is beyond ignorant, but what can ya do?

Vegas has the line at UK -18. I'm certainly not a handicapper, my all time record betting on the Cats is somewhere near Mike Browns win percentage, but I think the 18 is doable.

The big key for the Cats is going to be there rush defense against WKU's Bobby Rainey. Although their team may suck, Bobby rainey is the real deal and has a chance to put up huge numbers against Rick Minters defense. He ranked 3rd in the nation last season in rush yards per game, and piled up 187 yards and 2 TD's in UK's 63-28 win in Commonwealth last year.

When it's all said and done I believe Rainey will get his but there isn't another playmaker on that team to put them over the top. WKU does not have the athletes to be able to hang with the Cats and it will show in the 2nd half. I'm taking UK at -18 with a final score of UK 42 and WKU 17.

Kid Going To Prison For 7 Cents

"A 15-year-old Syracuse boy will spend the next two to six years in juvenile detention and the rest of his life as a felon as a result of his sentencing today for a robbery that netted him and an accomplice seven cents. Onondaga County Judge William Walsh rejected a defense lawyer’s request to treat Anthony Stewart, of West Onondaga Street, as a youthful offender. That means his felony conviction will remain on his permanent record. Walsh said he might have ruled differently if Stewart had pleaded guilty, as did his accomplice, Skyler Ninham, 16. Earlier this month Walsh sentenced Ninham as a youthful offender to one and one-third to four years in state prison. Stewart, who is not old enough for prison, will be sent to a juvenile detention facility. Both Ninham and the 73-year-old robbery victim identified Stewart as a participant in the crime, Walsh said. “And yet you still denied it,” Walsh said to Stewart. “Well, that cost you.”

Apparently this is a big deal because this kid is going to jail and will have a felony on his record for the rest of his life, and all because he robbed someone for 7 cents. You don't wanna go to jail and be labeled a felon? Well then don't fucking rob people you stupid motherfucker. How are people seriously getting upset about this and defending this kid? Because it's 7 cents? Well if he would rob someone for 7 cents what the fuck would he do for $100? As far as I'm concerned this kid should be locked up for life. If you're gonna go stick a gun to someone's head for a nickel and two pennies then see ya in the dirt. Unless of course it's 7 pennies, because copper is worth millions these days and I would stab a baby girl for 7 pennies real talk. I guess I need more details to make a judgment here.

Unemployed Hillbilly Gives Back $150,000 He Finds In Backyard

I got an idea bro, instead of giving back $150,000, pay your water bill and go take a fucking shower. Seriously, when you're done with that you might as well get some dentures too. I know bitches love dudes with money, but 150 large aint exactly lasting until retirement. Unless you plan on giving gummies the rest of your life, go fill your mouth with chiclets.

I'm not even kidding when I say people who find large sums of cash and give it back fucking piss me off so much. What's the worst that can happen to you? This dude hasn't worked in 2 years so it's not exactly like going to jail is that much of a lifestyle change, it's more like a vacation. 3 meals a day, a shower, bed to sleep in, friend to play hide-n-seek with, doesn't seem all that bad. Best case scenario is you're $150,000 richer, and when you just spent your last 10 spot on Cowboy Killers, you can afford to play the odds in hopes noboody finds out.

Another Fight At a Fast Food Restaurant Ends the Same Way As the Others

What the fuck is going on in fast food restaurants these days. I swear to god everytime I search the 'net I come across some interracial brawl that inevitably ends with the whites getting there face kicked in. It's fucking clock work. I'm not sure what Jeremy Shockey here was thinking starting this shit. Do you not see the 3 blacks in there amped up on triple steak tacos and mountain dew ready to beat the living shit out of you? I mean I'm down with the philosophy that you have to punch first, that's rule numero uno in fighting, but you have to connect, simple as that. Can't just roll in throwing fists blindly bro, that shit ends up with you getting your face pummeled 1000 out of a 1000 times.

P.S. I'm pretty sure he was knocked out on 3-5 different occasions. Just play dead already you fucking idiot.

Lunch-Line Bullies Can be Sent to Jail In New Jersey

Under a new state law in New Jersey, lunch-line bullies in the East Hanover schools can be reported to the police by their classmates this fall through anonymous tips to the Crimestoppers hot line.

Philip W. Nicastro, vice president  of Strauss Esmay Associates, a firm that provides training programs for school districts, at an antibullying presentation.

In Elizabeth, children, including kindergartners, will spend six class periods learning, among other things, the difference between telling and tattling.

And at North Hunterdon High School, students will be told that there is no such thing as an innocent bystander when it comes to bullying: if they see it, they have a responsibility to try to stop it.
But while many parents and educators welcome the efforts to curb bullying both on campus and online, some superintendents and school board members across New Jersey say the new law, which takes effect Sept. 1, reaches much too far, and complain that they have been given no additional resources to meet its mandates.
The law, known as the Anti-Bullying Bill of Rights, is considered the toughest legislation against bullying in the nation. Propelled by public outcry over the suicide of a Rutgers University freshman, Tyler Clementi, nearly a year ago, it demands that all public schools adopt comprehensive antibullying policies (there are 18 pages of “required components”), increase staff training and adhere to tight deadlines for reporting episodes

If a lunchline bully is what I think it is, then this is just absolute garbage. A lunch line bully is someone who just cuts everyone and goes straight to the trays and silverware right?  Since when is it illegal for the popular kids and jocks to cut all the nerds and underclassmen? I'm telling you right now if Kentucky adopted this shit when I was in high school I would have been a three strike offender after the first week of school and probably sentenced to life in jail. When that lunch bell rang there was a less than zero percent chance that the RBG was willing to wait in line for 15 minutes behind the chess club for my Fiesta Stix. Walked straight in there bullying people out of my way til I found a group of my friends at the front and scored me a plate full of turkey tetrazini like ya read about.

P.S. Here are the 5 best high school lunch foods, and there is no debate over this:

1.  Fiesta Stix - Stuff some cheese in there, little hot sauce, unbeatable.
2.  Spaghetti w/ Meat Sauce - garlic stix dipped in that sauce was the shit.
3.  Grilled Cheese and Vegetable soup - Might be controversial here, but those grilled cheeses slathered in butter and dipped into the vegetable soup were fucking fire, you know and I know it.
4.  Turket Tettrazini - I have no clue what it is or what was in it, but that one day a month when it was served always got an asterisk on my calendar.
5.  Roast Beef w/ mashed potatoes - Pretty much speaks for itself

And any of you who say pizza cracks the top 5 are absolutely insane, high school lunch pizza was like eating cardboard with red finger paint and mozzarella on top of it.

Cop Busted Having Sex On Car

Forget about the cop bangin the lady on the hood of the car, does anyone want to go after the real criminal here? How about that pervert Meerkat at the bottom of the picture watching that shit from like 4 feet away? Pretty sure that's like stalking or trespassing or something. Everyone player hatin on this cop just because unlike every other cop in America some bitch wants to bang him, no one even mentions this pervert standing there poppin a nut out of his red rocket onto this cops leg. Just because a cop is committing like a class D misdemeanor doesn't mean all bets are off and you can go around committing 1st degree felonies you goddamn snake eater.

Thieves Wreck Jeep Into Beauty Solon and Steal Hair Exetensions

ATLANTA (WLS) - Forget robbing the bank. These days, the big money is in beauty salons and their stash of human hair extensions.

The most recent heist occurred Tuesday when thieves crashed a Jeep into Angie's Beauty Supplies in Atlanta. Video showed the culprits head straight for the shop’s most expensive fake tresses.

“The suspects took an undetermined amount of hair extensions and other items prior to leaving the store,” said Atlanta Police Officer Kim Jones. The thieves left the Jeep in the store.

Shit is starting to hit the fan in the worst way. Earthquakes on the east coast, hurricanes in Jew York City, pruning shears through old dudes eye sockets, and now people are robbing beauty salons for fucking hair extensions? I mean I know times are tough, but have we really hit rock bottom to the point we are driving Jeeps into buildings to steal weaves? These things must be made of gold. It's like fuck my Grand Cherokee, I need my weave and I needed it yesterday.

P.S. I'm not even blaming the broads that did this. If there's anything worse than being poor it's being poor and ugly. Just an absolute recipe for social disaster and there's no two ways about it.

P.P.S Hair extensions are fucking gross. I'd rather bang a bald chick than have her shit fall out while doing the mattress momba.

Gaga Wore a Prosthetic Dong at the VMA's

Little monster in her pants!
Lady Gaga pulled out all the stops to become male alter ego Jo Calderone at the MTV Video Music Awards in L.A. Sunday.
The pop provocateur (real name: Stephanie Germanotta), 25, didn't just wear men's clothing (including Armani men's underwear) and fake stubble in her "drag king" get-up: To complete the gender-bending transformation, Gaga wore a prosthetic penis, an insider confirms to Us Weekly.
The "You and I" singer stayed in character throughout the night at the Nokia Theater.
"I am from New Jersey," Gaga as Jo told Us backstage. " My family is from Palermo, Sicily and I am not a singer or a model or an actor or anything. I am just a guy."
And "Jo" had high praise for fellow pop star Britney Spears, one of the night's honorees, who rejected Jo's sexy advances onstage. "She is f***ing hot. Didn't you j*** off to Britney when you were a kid?"
I'm so totally flaburgasted by this whole situation. Gaga was definitely one of my chicks until I saw her prancing around like Danny fucking Zucko the other night at the VMA's. I just decided to let it slide and move on with it. Now come to find out she was rocking a fucking rubber johnstone in her pants talking about taking her hand to pound town thinking of Britney Spears while playing some sort of alter ego. Does that make me gay ipso facto? I'm totally confused, I'm starting to feel like the Sundance Kid over here. Just blew my fucking my mind. But this does bring up a pretty solid question: Who is the better looking Gaga with a dick? The picture I posted above, or this

I'm taking the second picture every day of the week, twice on Sundays and four times today.

86 Year Old Man Impaled by Pruning Shears

The Telegraph- An 86-year-old Arizona man is lucky to be alive after he accidentally impaled himself with pruning shears.

Leroy Luetscher was working in his back garden when he dropped a pair of pruning shears, which landed point-side down in the ground.

When Luetscher went to pick them up, he lost his balance and fell face-down on the handle. The handle penetrated his eye socket and went down into his neck, resting on the external carotid artery. Half the shears were left in his head, while the other half was sticking out.

This is exactly what happens when old people think they're still a valuable part of society. They end up with a set of fucking pruning shears through there eye socket nestled up next to there carotid artery. It's like Bro, you're 86, sit back in your rocking chair and read the Morning Gazette and leave the pruning shears to people who weren't born before WWII. I understand you're trying to help. Probably haven't done anything valuable since you helped invent the Model T, or spit balled ideas with Eli Whitney over a few whiskey neats, but once you hit 70 just do yourself a favor and give up on all things labor intensive.

Javaris Crittenton Arrested For Murder

SANTA ANA, Calif. (AP) — Former NBA player Javaris Crittenton, who was suspended from the league for having guns in a locker room with teammate Gilbert Arenas, was arrested Monday in Southern California to face a murder charge in a deadly Atlanta shooting. Crittenton was taken into custody at about 8 p.m. at John Wayne Airport in Orange County after checking in for a Delta Air Lines flight to Atlanta, FBI spokeswoman Laura Eimiller said. Eimiller said he was arrested without incident by FBI agents with assistance from the Orange County Sheriff's Department. Authorities were trying to determine whether Crittenton will make an initial appearance in federal court, or be taken directly to Atlanta to face state charges there. "He offered to turn himself in," lawyer Brian Steel told The Associated Press earlier Monday. "He's not guilty. We look forward to getting it to the courts." The Atlanta Journal-Constitution first reported that Crittenton planned to surrender in Atlanta. Police earlier obtained a murder warrant for Crittenton in the Aug. 19 shooting of 22-year-old Jullian Jones, a mother of four young children. Police say Jones was walking with two men when she was shot and they believe one of the men with her was the target. Police spokesman Carlos Campos on Friday said the motive appears to be retaliation for a robbery in April, in which Crittenton was a victim. When asked about Steel's statement that Crittenton planned to surrender, Atlanta police didn't confirm it. "Mr. Crittenton is wanted for murder," Sgt. Curtis Davenport said late Monday. "We will be pleased when he is taken into our custody in a peaceful manner." When he was with the Washington Wizards in December 2009, Crittenton and Arenas had a dispute over a card game on a team flight. Two days later, Arenas brought four guns to the locker room and set them in front of Crittenton's locker with a sign telling him to "PICK 1." Crittenton then took out his own gun. Crittenton pleaded guilty in January 2010 to a misdemeanor gun charge and received a year of unsupervised probation. Arenas entered his guilty plea on Jan. 15. He served a short time in a halfway house. Steel said he was retained by Crittenton's family on Monday morning, and was in contact with Fulton County District Attorney Paul Howard and the FBI Fugitive Task Force to make arrangements for the former player's arrest. "They asked that he come to Atlanta, and we said 'no problem,'" Steel said. Crittenton is on the roster of the NBA developmental league's Dakota Wizards.

I honestly didn't even know Crittenton was wanted for murder until yesterday. Then today I see that he was arrested in Atlanta's airport. Nice hiding spot bro. Anyways, I think the real story here is Arenas laying his guns out and telling Crittenton to "Pick 1." Uh what if he picked 1 and shot you with it since you left it in front of his locker? Obviously killing people isn't something he has any reservations about. No wonder most NBA players go broke right after their career, they're obviously dumber than fuck. These two idiots gotta take the cake though. I wish more NBA players could be like Delonte West. Keep your guns in a guitar case you idiots, and don't pull out a gun on your team's star player, just fuck his mom while the team is at the club and you're stuck in the hotel because you are required by law. Charlie Redz is playing chess while these two idiots are playing life in prison and Agent zero endorsements.

Dude Has Sex With Slutty Raft

HAMILTON, OH (FOX19) - According to the Journal News in Butler County, a Hamilton man was arrested after being accused of engaging in sexual conduct with a pink blow up swimming pool raft. Edwin Charles Tobergta, 32, has been repeatedly arrested for public indecency. Tobergta was arrested at his home early Sunday morning. Witnesses tell police the incident happened in an alley behind his home. The owner of the raft reported to police that the suspect took the raft with him after being shouted at to stop. The suspect told police that he did commit the act and that he has a problem and needs help. Tobergta has been arrested at least five times previously for similar offenses, according to Hamilton Municipal Court records. He was indicted in May 2010 for tampering with evidence and possessing criminal tools and after a July 2008 conviction for public indecency, he was sentenced to community control and required to seek mental health services.

Look at those two and tell me that's not a match made in heaven. If there's one thing I know about women it's that they love bad boys. So don't sit here and try to tell me that our buddy Edwin is to blame here. This slut saw this rough and rugged dude hangin out in the alley and flashed him the goods, no doubt in my mind. And I would have done the same thing if I was in his shoes. Something about girls wearing pink that makes me think they are hotter than they actually are. Put any other color on this bitch and she's a 6 at best. But look at that picture right now and tell me with a straight face she's not at least an 8.5. Thanks to Michelle for the tip.

Dr. Evil Henchman Random Task Convicted of Torture

It took two decades, but the law finally came down on Joseph Hyungmin Son.

The actor best known for playing Dr. Evil's shoe-throwing henchman Random Task in 1997's "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery," was convicted of torture Thursday in Santa Ana, Calif. in connection with a 1990 Christmas Eve gang rape of a woman who was out walking her dog.
Here's what happened.
A Santa Ana jury found the 40-year-old Son guilty of one felony count of torture stemming from his arrest on Oct. 7, 2008 on an outstanding warrant. He faces a maximum sentence of 15 years-to-life in state prison come sentencing Sept. 9.
The rape occurred on Dec. 24, 1990 at approximately 12:30 a.m. when the unidentified victim was walking back to her apartment alone with her dog after going to look at Christmas lights with a relative and friend.
Per the Orange County District Attorney's Office, Son distracted the woman by asking for directions and pretending he was lost. Son and co-defendant, Santiago Gaitan, then dragged her to their car and threw her in the back. After pistol whipping her and telling her they were driving to Compton, the men instead drove to Huntington Beach where they raped her repeatedly, sodomized her and forced her to give them oral sex.

Can't say I'm surprised with this revelation one bit. You go around working for an evil company like Virtucon for long enough something's got to give. It's only so long that you can work for a psycho like Dr. Evil before next thing you know you're kidnapping some chick on Chirstmast Eve and raping and sodomizing her and getting convicted of torture. Can't be long now before Mustafa, Frau, and Number 2 are all locked up with him.

Bieber is Such a Fucking Boss

God damnit, Bieber's got so much fucking swag it hurts. It's Bieber's world and the rest of us are just living in it. Pet snake named Johnson? Fucking classic. Zero percent chance I could ever pull off a line/move like that, this skinny turd is dropping it on national television to Selena Gomez.

By the way, that short sleeved blazer is fucking money. I need that jacket and won't stop until someone gives it to me.

Fantastic Dizzy Bat Relay Race Finish

So this was the scene on Saturday at the Sundance Kid's party mansion. 7v7 dizzy bat relay races and it came down to the anchor. Sundance Kid versus his brother with the whole fucking thing on the line. Bragging rights for the next 7 Christmases were definitely on the line. Sundance's brother pulls one of the greatest moves in Dizzy Bat history with the slide, grab the beer, open it, start chugging it all in one motion. Absolutely fantastic.

Navy SEAL's Dog at Funeral

Apparently this is a video of one of the Navy SEAL's funeral that was killed in Afghanistan recently. That's his dog refusing to leave his side. Probably the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Two Skulls Get Broken

I think I have a crush on this little boy. (That's a joke if you're the FBI)

Jay-Z Responds to Lil' Wayne Diss

Azinger Pwns Obama on Twitter

UPDATE: ESPN is coming down on Paul Azinger for mocking President Barack Obama on Twitter. The golf analyst tweeted Friday that the Commander-in-chief plays more golf than he does -- and that Azinger has created more jobs this month than Obama has.
ESPN has 'reminded" Azinger his venture into political punditry violates the company's updated social network policy for on-air talent and reporters issued yeterday.
"Paul's tweet was not consistent with our social media policy, and he has been reminded that political commentary is best left to those in that field," spokesman Andy Hall told Game On! in a statement.
ESPN's Hall would not comment on whether Azinger, who won the 1993 PGA Championship, will be fired, suspended or punished in some way. "We handle that internally," he said.
President Obama has a good relationship with ESPN. He's appeared several times on the network to fill out his March Madness brackets for both the men's and women's college basketball tournaments.

PREVIOUS: ESPN's Paul Azinger is zinging President Barack Obama for playing too much golf on Martha's Vineyard during his vacation. The PGA pro, golf analyst, author and businessman took to Twitter to mock Obama, tweeting he's created more jobs than the President.

I don't mean to get all political here, but this shit is effing hilarious. The Zinger should be Ryder Cup Captain in perpetuity for these zings. Who the hell does ESPN think they are anyway? They're allowed to have that horrendous 'Baracketology' segment every year with Andy Katz practically shoving Obama's dick down his throat the whole time, but the Zinger can't lob a couple of innocuous tweets at the POTUS for playing a couple rounds of golf? Unbelievable. Keep doing you Paul, Tsar ESPN will get off of their high horse one of these days. God damn worlds about to end anyway with earthquakes, tornados, hurricanes, stock market crashing, Bengals winning games, might was well let everyone have a little fun on Twitter.

@PaulAzinger Paul Azinger

Facts: Potus has played more golf this month than I have: I have created more jobs this month than he has: #Marthasvineyard

25 Aug via Twitterrific

The Outlawz Smoked Tupac's Ashes

Look I know a lot of you are gonna laugh because they said they threw weed, chicken wings, and orange drank into the ocean for Tupac, but that's not a joking matter. I'm still having trouble accepting the fact that Tupac is dead, so this was kinda tough for me to watch. Plus Rick Ross's fat ass is out there yellin "Tupac Back" giving me all sorts of mixed signals. Been preparing myself for the anniversary of his death that is only a few weeks away, and if it's anything like the past 10 anniversarys have been, it will consist of me crying my eyes out while pounding a 40 of Old English, searching frantically for clues leading to the capture of his killer. I had a hot lead back in 2006 but the street code of silence in southside Ft. Thomas was too much to overcome. Orlando Anderson is a lucky man because if I would have got to him first his death would have been much more painful, still not convinced he was behind it though. I can't even describe how jealous I am of the Outlawz though if this is true. If I was approached by a genie and granted one wish, it would be to smoke Tupac's remains and throw chicken wings into the ocean. Does anyone know how to apply for the Make-A-Wish thing? Also was that a socially acceptable joke? Please advise.

Fake Breast Explodes After Being Hit With Paintball

A 26-year-old woman is recovering from a ruptured breast implant after taking a shot to the chest during a Saturday round of paintballing.
The woman, who has not been named, thought she was experiencing heavy bruising, but when she paid a visit to her doctor on Monday, it was discovered that her silicone breast had, in fact, exploded.
UK Paintball, which operated the facility in the South London town of Croydon where the incident took place, is now taking extra safety precautions, according to The Sun.
A statement posted to the UK Paintball website reads:

Due to an incident at our Croydon Paintballing centre on Saturday 20 August 2011 we respectfully ask that any ladies with surgical breast implants notify our team at the time of booking. You will be given special information on the dangers of paintballing with enhanced boobs and asked to sign a disclaimer. You will also be issued with extra padding to protect your implants while paintballing.

Paintballs travel approximately 190 miles-per-hour.
“Part of the fun of paintball is that it hurts a bit when you get shot but in all the years we’ve been going we’ve never seen an incident like this," a spokesperson for UK Paintball said, according to the Croydon Guardian.
“It came as a real surprise to hear that a woman had her implant burst at one of our centres and whilst she’s going to make a full recovery, we want to ensure nothing like this happens ever again.

You just can't buy chicks nice things. Guarantee this broad's husband has the decency to give her the wonderful gift of getting her tits pumped, and she has to go around treating those blouse bunnies with no respect whatsoever. Girl was probably bellyflopping off of the high dive and shit, too. No respect whatsoever left in society anymore. If you get $10,000 worth of silicon pumped into your chesticles, you better be damn sure to take care of those and limit any contact sports to motorboating and motorboating only.