The Dancing Outlaw Is Coming to Town!

So about 15 years ago my uncle stumbled across a documentary at a flea market called "The Dancing Outlaw" and soon my dad had a copy. That VHS tape has since been converted to DVD and any friend or member of my family has received one in the form of a birthday gift. Jesco has become a part of my family, as he represents everything that we stand for. I'm not talking about his other two personas, Elvis and Jesse, I'm talking about Jesco, who as his wife will tell you is the devil in himself. So mean that he will withhold sex from her for months at a time, threatened to blow her head of with a shotgun (caught on tape), and put a butcher knife to her throat and threatened to end her miserable life. As anyone with an ounce of rebel in their blood would know, Jesco White has become world famous since then, so famous that the producers of Jackass made a follow up documentary on his entire family which you can see above.

Well my life is coming to an end, because Jesco White is coming to town this Sunday, and everything that's ever happened in my life has been leading up to this moment. Everything I've ever done was done to prepare me for this night, and if I wake up on Monday my life will be a complete failure. I won't be able to look anyone in the eye, and I will probably move down two flights of stairs and live the remainder of my days in my parents basement, staring at my 9mm until my pathetic ass gets the courage to do everyone in my life a favor and spray my brains across the wall. I'm convinced that I was put on this Earth to go down with Jesco White in a blaze of glory. I'm picturing me and Jesco huffing gasoline under a bridge with two of the grossest Brass Ass strippers $11 can buy, and in a police pursuit, the two of us being gunned down like Dally in The Outsiders. Can you imagine the attention that the media would give this story? We would be on the front page of everything, and finally I would give my family the reputation we deserve. At the very least I would like to take Jesco to the Pepper Pod and have someone serve him some sloppy eggs and just whip out my video camera to capture the ensuing mayhem.